The Sex
I was a freshman in college when I started sleeping around. I
was reckless and unsafe and did not make an effort to take care of
myself. All I ever cared about was to be a hedonist. I slept around,
indulged in debauchery and celebrated in my decadence. I was young, wild
and free. I thought I was liberating myself, unshackled by the norms of
society. I am the captain of my own ship. I thought my personal freedom
would make me stronger. I thought it would make me more desirable.
I met a lot of men
online. I joined several gay dating sites where there are plenty of hot
and handsome men who are as addicted to sex as me. I would exchange
numbers with them and plan our conquest. I would go to their place,
undress, and just let them do whatever they wanted with me. I was a
bottom. I enjoyed being penetrated a lot. Some of my partners would use a
condom but then, some of them preferred to do it bareback and I would
allow them. I see myself as a perfect sex slave, a whore whose only
purpose is to serve my masters.
Since I was sixteen, I
must have slept with at least a hundred men, 95% of them were random
strangers and casual encounters. I only had three serious boyfriends. I
indulged in all kinds of sexual encounters. I would go to threesomes. I
experienced an orgy and a gang bang where all the guys came inside me. I
usually just had sex once with a man except for rare times where I
would sleep with someone twice or thrice. Sleeping with as many men as I
could was feeding my ego. It made me feel I was beautiful. It made me
feel desirable and worthy of love.
Symptoms
I might have had HIV
for years. But since this illness is asymptomatic for a long time, and
that its signs and symptoms are so similar to most common diseases, I
just ignored what I felt even though I started finding strange
disturbances all over my body. I was constantly troubled by colds and
coughs. I would have fungal infections, especially on my groin area
which would come and go. I would have constant diarrhea which I ignored
because I thought it was just the result of my constant consumption of
street foods. I also had a disturbing case of gingivitis where my gums
would literally bleed torrents of blood while I was in class or inside a
vehicle. I endured all of those with a firm conviction that there was
nothing wrong with me.
For a long time, I led
this kind of life until I met my third boyfriend. We lasted for two
years. I gave up my promiscuity in favor of monogamy. All our sexual
sessions were without a condom and all the time, I would allow him to
come inside me. I also learned how to be a top with him so that
sometimes, I would be the one who would ejaculate in him. It was a
relationship filled with love, hate and passion.
During our second year
as lovers, having graduated from college , I started working in a call
center, on a night shift from 12am to 10am. I balanced my work, personal
life, love life and family but it proved to be difficult. I started
getting sick from all the stress. I began coughing a lot and having
terrible colds. Then I would have fevers and my throat was sore
occasionally. Like before, I ignored these symptoms because I just
thought they were a result of my work since I was on the phone all the
time and the load could be really tiring.
For months I just got
sicker and sicker until I was forced to resign. I was reluctant because I
had a good job and a great set of workmates. But I needed to because I
had been absent a lot of times because of my poor health. I and my
boyfriend broke up too. I was really stressed and ill.
I
took a one week rest then I started looking for a new job. I found one
immediately. I enjoyed it. One of the requirements was to pass a
medical. I had myself X-rayed and that is when I discovered I had
pulmonary tuberculosis. In fact, my case was a little advanced. The
doctor assured me that I could still be cured so I had to start
treatment immediately. He told me to rest for a while, so I took a leave
from my new job, even though I was only employed for a month. I was
just at home doing whatever I wanted. I had all the time in the world.
However, I went back to my habit of sleeping around because I was bored
and I missed sex.
After two months, I
felt that I was ready again to work. During that time, I and my
boyfriend got back together and I started working again in my last job.
However, I started noticing that I was getting ugly. My hair would fall
out with no reason. I owed it to my TB medication but it was just a way
to explain it to myself. I also had a terrible case of dandruff. My face
started losing its shape and it became sunken. My weight was dropping.
Even my boyfriend noticed that I was getting ugly. He was worried. I
became worried too. I could not sleep well because I was constantly
thinking about what was happening to me.
Deep inside, I knew I was sick. I was scared that there was something terribly wrong with me.
Suicide Attempt
One day, I decided to
end it all. I just wanted to die, so that I could save everyone from
being miserable. If I became sick, I thought of the medical bills that
would result. I thought of my boyfriend. I thought of my family and
friends. I did not want to become a burden to them so I longed for death
when I was still strong enough to do it myself.
I swallowed a lot of
pills from my medicine cabinet, not caring what they were. I wanted an
overdose that could induce a coma I would never wake up from. I left the
house as if I was going to work but in fact, I already decided that I
would succumb to suicide. I bought rat poison from the grocery with the
intention of eating the whole bag so I had an internal hemorrhage. For
two days, I was out in the busy part of the city in a daze. I did not
sleep at all. I never got to consume the rat poison. I went back home
because I became really hungry and thirsty and I did not know where to
go.
Everyone was extremely
worried about me. I did not tell them what happened to me in the last
two days I was gone. I totally shut them off by deciding not to speak at
all.
I became really sick. I
was so depressed that I would just lie in bed all day, waiting to die.
My body was in constant pain. I could not breathe properly, it was as if
a huge stone was crushing my lungs. I was bedridden most of the time
and I actually lost the desire to continue living. I would sometimes pee
on the bed because I was so tired. I would refuse to eat because I just
felt so miserable.
My mother and my
younger sister would make me eat by feeding me like a small child. I
would not take a bath unless my mother forced me to the bathroom and
wash me. I could not sleep properly and I would hallucinate. I heard
voices saying that they wanted to kill me because I was the plague. I
heard men telling me that I infected them with disease. It was scary
because all of them felt so real.
I was like a
schizophrenic patient on the edge of insanity. I could not move much
without the help and support of my mother. I could not eat solid food
most of the time because my throat hurt so bad whenever I trie to
swallow. Most of my sustenance came in the form of milk and curdled soya
called "taho," a common Philippine beverage mixed with caramelized
sugar and gelatinous balls that is sold by peddlers on the streets.
For
almost six months, I was in that state. My mom never gave up on me. She
would make me drink alternative medicines and a variety of health
supplements. My mother was my only doctor. I was confined once in the
hospital for three days because I suddenly collapsed due to low
potassium levels and hypothyroidism. I was always sick.
The HIV Test
A private doctor
suggested that I take an HIV test because she noticed that I was not
recovering. She recommended me to an infectious disease doctor who was
her colleague.
When I heard about the
possibility that I had HIV, I actually started feeling better. I
meditated on my past. I thought I would get love from the men I meet. I
was hungry for their desire and worship. Instead, what I received was
this virus. But I cannot ever resent it. I was in the throes of ecstasy
when I got this affliction. This was not forced into me. No one raped
me. A tainted needle was never introduced to my bloodstream nor was I
into drugs. Rather, I invited the virus to thrive and dwell inside of me
through my hunger for flesh and thirst for pleasure.
I was twenty-one when
the result of the test came. I was frail and very weak after months of
being in continuous suffering. When I heard from the doctor that I was
HIV positive, I actually felt alleviated of my burden. This was the
answer to all the strange and inexplicable infections I had gotten. It
actually made me feel better. I thought I was dying of cancer or a
severe life-threatening organ malfunction. I told myself, "Oh, it's just
HIV," and I breathed a sigh of relief.
Healing
The first thing that I did when I learned that I got HIV/AIDS was to forgive myself. I
did not cry nor feel remorse. I did not ask why I have this because I
know so well the answer to that. Rather, I just sat down in silence,
pondering on my new existence as an HIV positive young man. Instead of
being depressed about it, I told myself that I can survive this. No, I
must survive this. There is no other choice. If I let this virus bring
me down, I would just be another casualty. I refused to become a victim.
I forgave myself so
that I could start to move on. I have no other choice but to stop
breaking down and just welcome everything that life has given me so far.
The comfort must start from within me. I need to heal myself. I started
from inside of me. I forgave myself so that all the negativity that
this virus may cause me will be overpowered by a dose of healthy and
positive optimism. That is my greatest treatment, more than any
antiretrovirals or drugs that will kill the countless replications of
the virus inside my body.
Of course, being HIV
positive is still a dangerous thing. This is such an unpredictable
disease. Like the prosopons, the masks of ancient Greek theatre, HIV can
wear a variety of masks. You are the main actor of the play and it is
all up to you to get to choose whether you will act in a tragedy or a
comedy.
Everything really
depends on you. This disease is just there inside of you, but its effect
in your life is solely on the basis on how you see and take it. You can
choose to see this virus as a demon eating you from within so that you
are slowly dying young and miserable. But for me, I chose to see HIV as
an angel who will carry and guide me on a road to redemption.
I
believe in mind over matter. I believe that this disease can be made
more tolerable as long as I am always happy. I made peace with myself
and with the virus. I am embracing this sickness with open arms. I want
to be friends with it because it will now be my companion all my life.
It will never ever leave me so I might as well start learning how to
cope with it.
I am now infected by
this virus. But still, I have no regrets of what I have done in the
past. There is no one else that I can blame but myself when I became
positive. I told myself that I
cannot ever complain and be dramatic about being sick because in the
first place, I brought this to myself. I was the one who willingly
opened the lock and bolt and let the mysterious stranger, the uninvited
guest to take shelter in me. HIV is an uninvited guest who came knocking
in the home of myself. How could I turn him away when it sought and
wooed me through promises of joy and satisfaction?
Now, I am on my own
crusade to recover back to full health. I was diagnosed HIV positive in
Feb 2012. I am on the second month of my ARV treatment. My CD4 is a mere
2 but I am proud to say that I look so good and fine and I have no
infections at all because I live each day positively and I do not let
this disease bring me down. I want to influence others to have a
positive outlook in life despite having this virus because it would
really work and make them become better individuals too.
Advocacy
I am an advocate
promoting safe sex, erasing the stigma and living a positive life with
the proper attitude. I joined Twitter as @posithivecutie and started two
blogs where I am sharing my life, loves and lusts as an HIV positive
young man. I see my HIV status as a blessing because being HIV+ made me
change myself a lot for my own good and I became a much better
individual than I ever was.
Being HIV+ helped me
achieve some of my dreams, such as becoming a writer. It also made me
feel that people love me despite my status, It made me become a more
mature and responsible person. It made me want to live a life worth
living and to extend my hand to those who need help and attention.
I do not want any
other person to be infected with HIV. I want them to learn from what I
have experienced. I want them to realize the value of safe sex. There is
nothing wrong with having sex. It is just that we must do it
responsibly and with protection.
I want people to
realize that learning to love yourself above anyone else is really the
greatest love of all. If you love yourself no matter what, you can
really see the beauty of everything this life will give you. I have HIV
and yet I choose to love myself. And that is when my new life started.
That is when I discovered that this virus is certainly not the end. This
is just an exciting beginning of a life worth living, a life that will
be filled with joy and learning.
I will never let HIV
make me sick. I believe that it is only a disease of the body. I should
never let this be the disease of my soul too. For me, God has given me a
tap on the shoulder by granting me this virus. This is not His
punishment. I see it as God’s way of telling me that he cares about me. I
see it as a gift and a blessing. I like to think that God gave me HIV
because he wants me to be better and to take care of ourselves more.
Being HIV positive
should make you hungrier for life and be the best that you can be. We
are always on the edge of death, even if we are healthy. The infections
we are susceptible to are just around us. Since our existence is very
fragile, be not afraid to finally start realizing your dreams before it
is too late! There is a whole world that we have not yet seen. Rather
than spend the time being depressed about your condition, pull yourself
together and go out there and live the life that you want! Now is the
time you all have been waiting for!
Every one of us should
start empowering ourselves. We positives should never feel that we are
less a person than what we used to be. HIV is just a virus. It is not
something that must degrade us. Instead, we must use this virus to make
our lives better. We should take care of ourselves better. We should
start reaching our dreams. We should be thankful for each day that
passes. We should live a happy life with no regrets.
A poet, artist, author, polyglot,
madman, fetishist and self-confessed deviant, Mirvan Ereon started his
prolific career after he discovered he was HIV- positive in February
2012. Since then, he has become a full-time indie writer, translator and
professional book reviewer. He maintains several sites, mainly on
literature, his art, his writings and HIV/AIDS in Wordpress, Blogspot
and Tumblr. His Twitter is @posithivecutie and his blogs include The Sexy Squid and http://posithive-cutie.tumblr.com. He is twenty-one years old and lives in the Philippines.
